Yes, I blatantly stole the title for this posting from George Carlin (isn't that the case with most good material floating around anyway?)
I don't know that I have any structure or particular theme in mind. Today I just write, because I need to.
More and more lately, I keep getting the feeling that everything and everyone around me is continually changing, but that I am the one and only entity/occupant of this world who always remains the same. It isn't by personal choice or inimical design, and I do not believe it is out of any kind of necessity. Perhaps, it might be due to laziness, or a bad case of the inertias, but regardless, it just is.
People move, they get pets, they change jobs, they move in with significant others, they procreate, they get married (none of those things necessarily in that given order). They do all of these things. In short, the have (and keep having) life events for which there are actual commemorative Hallmark cards, socially mandated rules of decorum, and time-honored occasions for having a party or some other sort of celebration. Me? I have none of it. Okay, I do age, and there are cards for that, so I can't say my life is totally devoid of support for the fine papers and stationery industry, but beyond that, the wrapping paper-invitation-champage flute evidence that I exist is rather sparse.
Not much occasion for a "Wow, you are still at a job you find soul crushing after 4 years" party, and, I have to tell you, the last time I attempted a "Damn, you are still alone" cocktail hour, it just did not go well. Everyone forgot to bring food for my (future) twelve cats, and I got three Netflix memberships, 1 bathrobe and a copy of "101 Places for Fine Dining for 1" as gifts. (NOTE: Had this actually happened, it would definitely top last year's birthday where I actually did receive 3 different copies of "He's Just Not That Into You" - wow. Subtle.) I do think that a "Still crazy (and neurotic) after all these years" reunion get-away weekend might have some kitschy appeal, but I am holding on to that one for a period of time down the road where I am truly desperate for a crepe paper and party hats life-affirming moment.
For now, massive celebration of me is not only unwarranted, it is really not necessary. It isn't something I crave or desire. At least not in the same way that I have at other junctures in my life. I am currently focusing on daily achievement of aspirational normalcy. Simple woman, simple needs. Deep breaths. You know, the beyond basics.
But I just find myself trying to push down this little nagging worry in the back of my head about being left behind. The more people around me change, the stranger and more anomalous a figure in their life I feel that I become. Like some odd visitor to this planet of contentment and normalcy, whose snarkiness and spinsterhood is considered charmingly eccentric if only because it is just so odd and unfathomable with the way the world should work.
Hi, CLC, I wanted to tell you about [fill in important life event here]. What is up with you?
Oh well, same old, same old. Work, blah, blah. Shoes, blah, blah. Baseball, yadda, yadda. Well, I guess I did take a vacation recently.
You did? Really!? Where did you go?
Well, I took a 2 week vacation and, well, I didn't go anywhere. I just sort of hung around and decompressed.
Really? You just hung around for 2 weeks? That is so... ummm... unusual. Is there anything else going on with you? (*Said with pleading look in eyes that just screams, "Dear God, please let her have something half-way interesting and not unendingly freakish to say, that doesn't make me want to stab myself in the eye with a fork just to make sure that I am still alive"*)
As for moving, I moved about 6 blocks away from where I was before, and, no, I am still not living alone. The person I am living with is someone near and dear to my heart, he is...
Oh my god! You?! Are!? Living with someone?! Unbelievable! Fantastic! This is so great! I knew it would finally happen for you... someday....
Umm, yeah, thanks. Actually, I am living with my brother. The one who just graduated. Yeah... so...
Oh, that is... lovely. Well, it will be good for security.
Yes, it appears I may in fact not only not be changing, I may in fact be regressing to former states of being (as I am in fact living with my brother now... Lord help me).
In fairness, neither the above conversation nor even a rough approximation of such a conversation has ever happened, nor do I believe it actually would. It is simply a demonstrative, in my drama queen fashion, of how prosaic my little life often feels to me.
Being leap-frogged in the life event arena is okay by me, and in fact it is an absolutely wonderful thing, because it means happy things for the amazing people who populate my life and who clearly deserve these things and ever so much more (and really, what can be better than wonderful things happening to wonderful people. Proves there is justice and fairness in the world). This all provides me the opportunity to run along behind and learn and be supportive and (hopefully) useful, and to at least try to, in some way, repay all of the undeserved kindnesses bestowed on me. But what scares me, and which I never say out loud (at least never in any kind of serious tone) or in my head to myself, is this:
I do want those normal, forward moving, fun changes for myself too. Someday. I do. Really. The analogous (and much more insidious) nagging worry to the one about being left behind, is the worry that I am not capable of catching up.
Ever.
And that might really be what is at the heart of all of this.
Maybe I won't change.
Ever.
And I will always feel weird and on the outside.
Always.
That the cards don't hold those normal, forward moving, fun changes for me.
Ever.
And if that is the way it is, then that is the way it will be. And I will deal with it. And my life can still be good. I suppose. But the thought of it. It is horrifying.
All I have ever wanted for myself is a clean, well-lighted, warm, happy corner of the world that I can call my own. But I have always envisioned this rather generalized description to be filled with certain people. Not just me. And it may yet work out that it will be filled with those certain people, but, the truth is, that now I must plan and move forward with a picture of that corner of the world in mind and the only person I can count on being in it is me. The time for indulging my incredible neediness is over. I really do rely so much on the people around me and in my life, and I am going to have to learn to stand on my own two feet. Alone. I am going to have to find a way, for the first time in my life, to find some kind of solace and comfort in myself, because at the end of the day, that is the only person I have (and who should/is obligated/must) to take care of me.
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3 comments:
2 things - both of great importance (and of far more consequence than anything in my original post) - (1) you are completely and totally right, and (2) I really love you - both generally, of course - and today, specifically, for taking the time to write out all of those things. Sweet and wise, as always. :) Reminding me of all that is good and can be again. :)
I am just kvetching because, well, I have too much time on my hands. And I am, as of late, frustrated with the rate at which I make progress. I want everything fixed now; which all things considered, is highly unrealistic (shocking!). But I don't want to be nursing a bruised id (or is it the super ego?) - well one of those parts of your psyche - for the rest of my life. 50 more years of self analysis? Sheesh. No one likes an overly contemplative octagenarian. :) I am definitely going to get myself thrown out of Shady Pines if I keep this up...
But that's just my unquashable inner-perfectionist acting up. My outer slacker is actually more comfortable with the leisurely pacing.
Need to avoid the long view for now, as the day by day thing leaves me more at ease. For it is then that I see that the fact that I am making progress is a victory unto itself.
We'll see. If nothing else, for better or worse, I do often surprise myself.
Okay, enough of this tired old topic, to which we have all devoted far too many words to today. On to happier things... like my new fascination with Bradley Cooper, Nantucket, and ESPN Insider (not necessarily in that order).
I think it's very easy to get focused on the "registry events" and to think that you haven't made progress or come far or changed and all of that. I'm guilty of that sort of thinking myself, as you, CLC, aptly pointed out at dinner the other night. As tiresome or cliched as it is to quote Sex & the City -- one of the great lines that stuck with me was "well hell, what else is on the menu." It was in response to the concept of the registry events, which if right for you are lovely. But if not, there's a lot else out there. I love you too & don't want you to be saddened or upset by what's going on with everyone else. You are fabulous & wise.
LuLu - Love you too - thanks. For everything...
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