Running List: Alternate Career Paths

• UMBRELLA HOLDER/PERSONAL BUTLER. The inspiration for this particular gig was divined from the sudden ascension of P.Diddy's manservant, Farnsworth Bentley (aka Derek Watkins) last year at Cannes. Taking a long hard look at my resume, I am really not qualified to do much of anything, but, damn it, I can definitely hold an umbrella. It appears that umbrella-holding is in fact a growth industry. Business is booming and positions are opening up all over the place, as evidenced, by Michael Jackson's large, burly, as-yet-un-named umbrella holder who has been escorting His Wackoness to court appearances as of late. See, I could do this: I love vacationing in tropical places (San Tropez, here I come), I have had practice carrying umbrellas in the most extreme of weather conditions (three years in Chicago, living right off of the Lake, took care of that), I am perfectly willing to "re-brand" myself and give up my name (been looking for a way to jettison the awkward construct that is my last name for years now, though I suppose it could have been worse), and now, I can also assure my mother than my new career will not put my law school education to waste (Hell, the as-yet-unnamed burly gentleman escorting MJ these days is getting more exposure to a courtroom than I ever have).
• FEMALE SUSHI CHEF: My qualifications here, well, I am already female (so that saves a good $80K right there), I love sushi, and I think that any job that allows you to handle large knives has to be pretty cool. The hitch: Generally, there are no female sushi chefs. Why? Well, given that Larry Summers only condemned women's math and science skills rather than their abilities at serving raw fish in an artful and tasty way, this seems to be a mysterious gender bias indeed. Answer: There are almost no women who are sushi chefs in Japan: legend has it that women's hands are too warm to make sushi. And so things get curiouser and curiouser, as everyone I know who is familiar with the temperature of women's hands (either because they own a pair themselves, or are lucky enough to be able to spend quality time with someone elses), believe women's hands to be perpetually cold. However, glass ceilings or tatami mats or what have you will not deter me. Temperature of extemeties be damned. Apprenticeship is no longer a necessity, there are educational opportunities out there, and being a rarity, there is a Hollywood-like potential in the position. Sushi chef as rock star. Just need to get past the little issue with dealing with fish guts, and I should be okay.
• KOBE BEEF MASSEUSE: I just learned the intricate and elaborate efforts that go into creating Kobe beef. It is fairly mind-boggling. These cows are fed the finest food, drink beer, and are "lovingly massaged" for the entirety of their lives. No wonder this beef is so expensive. Hmmm, maybe I don't want to be the masseuse, but rather I want to be the cow. The fatter you get the better, your every whim catered to, being highly sought after. Not too shabby. Well, there is that minor detail re. the slaughter thing, but think of the great run they have prior to that. What a fantastic 28 months. Being the masseuse, while still interesting for the inherent value of trying to watch people keep their composure when you tell them what you do for a living ("Oh yeah, hard day at the office. What do I do? Oh, I tenderly massage large cows for a living."), really actually belongs on an alternate running list: World's Worst Jobs (would have to stick being a esthetician who specialized in brazilian waxes right up there...).
• [More later...]