Help.

Ugh. I feel so vile.

Fleshy and doughy. Exploding forth. Wearing 6 extra layers of myself.

I feel so uncomfortable. I don't know how to make myself feel better. I can go the gym. I will go to the gym, but the effects right now aren't enough. I can't do enough at one time to make this go away.

I need to layer days of self control on one another to crack through this. To make a change.

But every day, I fall. Seems that I am just to weak to avoid the incredibly fleeting relief (I can't even call it a pleasure) of jamming food in my face. Just the act of eating is of such releif. Just putting things in my mouth.

How much of a loser do you have to be to live for the millisecond of comfort involved in ingesting and chewing. Well, chewing is on a a good day. Typically it is gulping.

My own gluttony disgusts me beyond words.

I disgust me beyond words.

Really, it has been years since I have felt this painfully gross. How did I let this happen? I knew the medicine would do this to me. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. Seriously, how did I let this happen.

I was revolting enough as it was before this.

The situation now verges on hopeless.

How do I stop the landslide? Why can't I compel myself to find some sort of strength, some sort of will?

Maybe I need an explanation for why I am alone. I need to physically manifest on the outside to the rest of the world a clear message of how disgusting I am on the inside.

I have a flabby, misshapen soul. The rest of the world may as well know. So why not have a flabby misshapen body.

Guess I wasted the 2 years of attractiveness on assholes who hated me anyway. Oh well.

Even assholes want someone who is pretty inside and outside. They use and discard those that are lacking.

There are the "keepers" and there are the "disposables."

I am disposable. In the quiet moments, I almost started to believe that this wasn't true. That I had something to offer.

But it is. And it is to be accepted. If I stop fighting it, life might get a little easier. Enjoy what I get, expect little.

When you are disgusting through and through, be happy for what little you get. It is more than you deserve.

I have always gotten more than I deserved and been fundamentally ungrateful for it.

The time of reckoning is upon me.