Both of the titular states of being - though diametrically opposite action words - connote the same inherent cynicism. Neither tells the whole story. Shades of grey, whispers of nuance and the like.
Most of my life I have been a C&E Catholic - though usually without the C, or if the C, then not the E. Too many letters before a title and I am left weary and confused - one letter and I get my mom off my back for an entire year. So there you have it, my assigned faith in a peppercorn description.
In college I made the command decision that I believed in God, but it was also at that very moment, dissatisfied with the cold, sterile and unyielding institution that is the Catholic church, that I set off in search of a belief system - high and low, querying everyone and anyone as to what they believe and why, and what such belief adds or brings to their lives. It has been a very interesting decade-long exercise, but I have found no established belief structure that encompasses everything that I would like religion, and more importantly faith, to bring me. I guess maybe that is what I am looking for - a religion I could believe in so much that the terms "religion" and "faith" were, in fact, synonymous. But I am a cynic, and my adult life has been built upon querying and corralling facts and making arguments only when there are numerous layers of citation and proof to prop them up. Faith is a long way away from my world. And yet, I still, to this day, stand by my original premise that I believe in God. More recently, I have come to refer to God as the Organizing Principle of the Universe, as the varying knots and circles of my life appear to become further and further interconnected, it is hard to believe that anything is coincidence anymore.
Why all the incoherent philosophizing all of a sudden? Well, the one thing my patchwork quilt of beliefs and accompanying rituals has actually carried forth from my Catholic beginnings is a supreme devotion to the saint Jude, or as he was known around my spanglish-inclined house growing up, San Judas - the patron saint of lost causes. My mother, schooled by nuns and actually more savvy in Catholic dogma than I had ever realized, never made much of religion around the house (but for either the C or the E time of year) but the one thing she always insisted upon was staunch faith in San Judas. Whenever a situation looks to be at its most desperate and impossible, ask San Judas for help and guidance, and he comes through, without need for thanks. Every one of my siblings, including the two who are vehement atheists, have San Judas figurines (given to them by my mother) which they carry around with them. San Judas accompanies me on all my plane travel. My sister - atheist #1 - had him sitting in the library with her as she studied for her dreaded financial accounting exam. San Judas has gone with my younger brother - atheist #2 - on job interviews. Without reservation, we all reject Catholic dogma, yet, without reservation, we believe in San Judas. And so, today, petty and weak, as is my nature, I made a plea to my patron saint for help. What did I ask for? I asked him for help in settling a case at work. Not exactly the high level issue one would think would be worth the time of elevating to a busy saint. (There are a lot of lost/hopeless causes out there). However, I am desperate. I admit it. I am in no position to go through preparing for and participating in another trial, as last year's debacle clearly showed. I need divine intervention to make sure that such a thing does not come to pass - in litigation emotions run high and oftentimes reason is elusive and has a hard time prevailing. A little divine intervention never hurt any settlement talks to be sure.
So fingers crossed and San Judas figurine in hand, I have fervent hopes for Friday.
(Settle, settle, settle. Thx SJ.)
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