'Fraidy Cat

There is a reason it is imprudent for a woman of a certain age to get a cat. It never makes her look good. And, it seems, this maxim holds true -- whether the cat is literal or figurative.

I am a big 'fraidy cat, and it doesn't make me look good. And it makes me feel worse.

I cannot relax and enjoy the ride. I worry out the details till they are frayed and worn. I babble incessantly. I am afraid: Of relying. Of being hurt. Of expecting too much. Of being disappointed. Of messing up. Of ambiguity. Of believing my own eyes.

Again, in response to such fears, I am generally trying to take a deep breath. However, sometimes I just take to babbling. I have taken to babbling to the boy about behind the scenes matters. Chatter with my girlfriends. I think it is generally sort of funny, and in the end flattering, but it is also too much. There needs to be mystery. I can't let him know I like him this much. It makes me feel like I am fucking everything up.

In quieter moments, I like to think that, although it isn't in accordance with the rules, it is what I do. It is who I am. If it frightens him off and messes things up, well, that is beyond my control, because it is who I am. But I am not sure that it is.

What it is is just fear and nerves. Why am I still being this way? Why can't I just relax?

Deep breath.