Red Alert

We interrupt this spiral of angst, self pity, and general kvetching about my Thursday to bring you the following late breaking (only because I missed it by about 40 days... oh and did you know that we now know who Deep Throat is?) update:

Has anyone seen this man?




Or more importantly has anyone seen this woman?

I don't know how I possibly missed it, but she is ba-a-ack…. Yes, indeed, I am talking about MissAlyssa (if you say it three times fast, it sounds like a bad skin condition. "This summer heat is really making my MissAlyssa act up…" And apparently it is...) has emerged like clockwork for her yearly feeding upon soft, squishy, defenseless late-20's major league prey. Almost a year to the day when she ensnared her last helpless prey -- Barry Zito, and left him not-quite right till after the All-Star break this year -- and nearly 2 years since she devoured her first victim -- Carl Pavano, who was so debilitated (they say it was shoulder tendinitis, be we know the truth)he has retreated to DL perchance never to return again -- she has struck again.

Her latest victim, er, boyfriend: Brad Penny, pitcher for the Los Angeles Dodgers, whom she has apparently been feeding upon, er, dating, since August 26, 2005.

My god, hasn't there been enough carnage?

Can't something be done?

Someone has got to stop the madness.

But how? The danger is so great; her powers are so strong.

I am left shaking my head, partially in bewilderment; but mostly in fear. When she has had her fill with the hapless Mr. Penny and moved on to fresher meat, who might be next? My beloved Huston Street? The utterly lickable Mark Mulder?

It is hair-raising.

And so, as a means of comfort, more than anything else, I embark on the only defensive measure I can muster: Deductive reasoning. Maybe if we can ascribe a method to her madness we can save her next victim from certain disaster.

Where to start?

The obvious:

She likes pitchers: Pavano, Zito and Penny all falling in this category. Particularly favored dexterity is not an issue: Pavano and Penny being righties, Barry being a southpaw. But can we be sure that she is only limiting herself to number 1 on the field of play? Is she perhaps a closet fan of battery mates? Do we need to warn Brian McCann to travel under an assumed name and wear the catcher's mask after hours as well, simply as means of protection? Hmmm, interesting.... but perhaps not...

Further, it appears she targets those who are just old enough to remember the tail end of original run Who's the Boss when she was at the height of her "Kiss of the Spiderwoman" like powers, and who are yet old enough to avoid her having to explain herself to the authorities. So it seems the 26 to 28 year old age group are what she considers "ripe for the pickin.'" So it appears that both the aforementioned Mr. McCann, as well as the beloved Huston, and (at the opposite end of the spectrum, the never mentioned, aged and always mullet-evocative) Randy Johnson are quite safe. For now.

She also likes them tall: 6'4" or above (at least as listed on ESPN, so that makes them at least 6"0'): Pavano (6'5"); Zito (6'4"); Penny (6'4"). So we can cross Huddy off of the list it seems.

Likewise, I have determined that with this latest addition of Mr. Penny to her list of conquests, Mulder is safe, if only because filthy-on diamond-nails-lights out-gutsy pitching performance (for her to foil with her evil feminine wiles) is apparently not a prerequisite for attracting her attentions. Prior to meeting MissAlyssa, Mr. Pavano, had moments of brilliance and a good enough season to warrant a fat Yankees contract (though given the signing of Jaret Wright at the same time, that may not be saying much). Likewise, Mr. Zito, though plagued by troubles in the couple of years following (some of which are attributable to his sensitive nature and his thinking too much, but most of the fault which lies with his being subject to the Curse of Milano), is a former Cy Young winner (though this may not be saying much either if Sideshow Bartolo wins the trophy this year). Mr. Penny, on the other hand, is a .500 pitcher whose career can most generously be said to be characterized by reliably middling performances sometimes punctuated by flashes of mediocrity.

The less obvious:

While one may have posited at one point that maybe she had a thing for Italian pitchers (Srs. Pavano and Zito), Mr. Penny, a poster child for, well, all things not european, of Broken Arrow, OK origins, appears to break this pattern. Perhaps, she is moving on to people who hale from the same hometown as ANTM runner's ups? Maybe this is MissAlyssa's desperate bid to get some face time with Kahlen, runner up to ANTM 4 so she can find out what Tyra is "really like."

Another theory may be that perhaps Zito was an anomaly, and that in fact she just has a thing for Marlins pitchers - present and/or former (Pavano and Penny). Do we need to get the word out to the D-Train to be on the look out? Not quite so fast.

Maybe it is an even subtler, more insidious connection: A six degrees of Paul DePodesta link. Zito was signed by the A's when DePodesta was the Assistant GM there, largely on the strength of DePosdesta's recommendation. Penny, was similarly brought over from the Marlins and last year signed to an extension by whom, Paul DePodesta (now GM for the Dodgers). Ah, but once again, it is a theory that leaves one mugging victim unaccounted for.

Maybe quirkiness is the answer. Zito is well characterized as a "flake," or rather "a sensitive soul who is continually hurt by his characterization as a 'flake' in the media." I love Barry, don't get me wrong, but I have never actually seen him described as a flake, I have only seen that latter more lengthy and flattering usage/description of the term in connection with him. Ah Barry and the media: You say media whore, I say friendly and accessible. Either way, he also openly describes himself as an avid yoga and meditation enthusiast, and a big fan of Jon Mayer's (whom he apparently invokes quite frequently in his performances with his sister's band The Sally Zito Project). Not that there is anything wrong with any of these things, there isn't. It is simply, unusual, to find such characteristics in a big league pitcher. (Then again, I was surprised to find out that Dontrelle Willis watches Troy before every start he makes. I don't know if I was more shocked to learn that anyone has seen that movie multiple times, or that anyone has seen it at all). Penny, of course, quirky claim to fame is having dared (read: coerced) a Florida Marlins batboy into drinking a whole gallon of milk at one sitting, which resulted in the batboy throwing up and the Marlins suspending him. Worked out okay: He got to make a Letterman appearance. No word on if Penny ever paid up on the $500 he owed the kid. Well, I am not sure if that whole incident qualifies as quirky, but it is definitely classy, with a capital "C". Pavano, however, appears to be the missing link here too. No word on any quirks or unusual habits from the Pavano camp. Then again, if George Steinbrenner were my boss, then I guess low-profile would be my modus operandi as well.

The Shallow:

So maybe she is just into hot MLB pitchers. Other than what spending time in her "good graces" does to their pitching performance, I can't fault her for that. However, this theory doesn't fly either. Say what you will about Pavano and Zito - they can both tend to be very Monet, and Zito himself will cop early and often, on national TV no less, to having "child bearing hips" - but they are at least decent looking guys and on good days, they can be head turning. Penny is ... well, it can be put one of three ways: The kinder way - That picture appended to the beginning of this post was, in fact, the best picture I could find of Penny; The less kind way: He is a dead ringer for Abraham Benrubi ("Jerry" from ER); The "Oooh, CLC is such a bitch" way: Damn, he is uuuug-leee!!

Eureka, I've got it!!!

Given all of the above, perhaps we can interest her in a position player of indeterminate species upon whom she may feel free to unleash her curse? He digs curses.