Crazy Is On The Bus

"Crazy is on the bus."

This is actually one of my favorite lines from a movie that may be of questionable quality, if only based on the fact that it stars Samuel L. Jackson and only allows him a meager modicum of opportunities to do what he does best - use the extremely utilitarian, if not downright vital phrase, Motherfucker, in many, many, many new, innovative and ever-colorful ways. This movie is, if it wasn't already immediately obvious, The Negotiator. The line is uttered by the esteemed Mr. Jackson (who generally is the only redeeming thing about many a bad movie, see, e.g., Attack of the Clones, XXX and, of course, Deep Blue Sea) as he tells his wife (capably played by Regina King, who also manages to be a redeeming factor in many a bad flick. I didn't see Miss Congeniality 2, but I can only imagine...) in response to her query as to whether he is going to do anything "crazy" in a meeting he is about to have with the superiors (who we later find out have, of course, framed him for a murder and several drug deals etc., but who ultimately will be brought to justice as the undeserving scum they are by... Kevin Spacey?... see, I told you it was a bad movie).

He responds to this query with a staunch denial ("I won't do anything crazy.") and then, to illustrate this point with a lovely bit of anthropomorphization, includes the aforementioned: "Crazy is on the bus."

What makes this such a screenwriting gem? A proverbial diamond amongst turnips (okay, that's not a proverb, but it's colorful, so go with it)?

While there is a certain amusement to the visual of one's inner loco as Farmer Ted riding the yellow school bus, that is not the charm of this quote. The true beauty of this quote is, we (Samuel L. Jackson, Regina King, and all of us wee folk out in the peanut gallery) all know it's absolutely, positively motherfucking not true.

Crazy is not on the bus. Crazy is right here. Crazy is on a direct trajectory course with the here and now, and there is no denying it. Crazy is one bad ass motherfucker, and he is here to stay.

Gratuitous use of the word "motherfucker" aside (last time, promise - Tuesday is apparently Tourette's night), there is a point to this waxing on about a seemingly incongruous and inconsequential movie quote.

With the sudden Enron-like implosion of the meticulously crafted and branded corporation that is (was?) Tom Cruise, Inc. (documented previously in this blog, and also brilliantly analyzed by Mallory, and inspiringly pictorially captured by Trent - scroll down about half way (it is work safe)), I got to thinking: Like the oft-cited phrase regarding the quality of TV shows, is it possible that at a certain point, the sanity of celebrities simply "jumps the shark" never to return?

How else to explain TC's hyperactive meltdown, his paeans of love that are so troubling because they are a 40 year old man talking in phrases clipped from 2nd grade valentines? (Speaking about his love for the fairer sex, Cruise told the current Reader's Digest that women "smell good. They look pretty. I love women. I do.") Has he developed "crazy" or has his own "crazy" commandeered the bus, Speed -style (Complete nonsequitur: will I be struck down by lightning for referencing not 1, but 2 Sandra Bullock movies in one entry?) and proceeded to run him over (and over and over)?

This is a man known for micro-managing his career to such a point that the rumors of his, ummm, felicity and frolicking (because, after all, can you have felicity without frolic?) have been thoroughly quashed through his unflagging devotion to iron-clad confidentiality agreements and swift and tyrannous lawsuits. For years, what did you ever hear about this man - TC has a big blockbuster movie out (with a scene in which he runs full speed in inappropriate clothes for running), he has adopted a kid, he has another big blockbuster movie out (with another scene in which he runs full speed in inappropriate clothes for running), he has saved someone in real life using twine and a piece of gum, etcetera etcetera...yadda, yadda, yadda. And now, he is jumping up and down on Oprah's couch? In front of a kajillion people? Newsflash Tom: You are not actually Jerry Maguire, and Oprah is not Cuba Gooding Jr.

And then there is the ranting. To everyone. To Billy Bush. Really? Has Tom Cruise ever given an interview to Access Hollywood before this? Wonder what kind of advice he might have had for Pat O'Brien back in the day? Breath mints as a cure for alcoholism?

TC is not the only example of "crazy" is as "crazy" does amongst the "previously narcissistic, but always seemingly reasonably sane." An example from the sportsworld: For instance, Barry Bonds. A man who long has been known to be unfailingly scrupulous about what he put in his body, to the point of hiring his own chef to monitor the nutritional content of what he at on road trips, this man began his backslide into La-La Land last year in front of the BALCO grand jury, when he was faced with questions about the "cream and the clear" and evidence of how they were not flax seed oil (as he claimed to have believed), but in fact steroids. The response of this, by all accounts, Type-A fellow: "Dude, Whatever." Ummm, yeah, alrighty. Of course, months later, "whatever" would then seem supremely mundane, in the face of his open discussion with the press of the size of his testicles. Oh Barry, where fort art thou meds?

There have been many other Hollywood celebrities and sports figures and celebutantes who have lost "it" - though in an amazing triumph of style over substance, manage to be embody the terms "squirrly" and "nuts" at the same time. However, I am not sure whether a lot of these flickering luminaries fall into my original "jumping the shark" hypothesis, as it is rather unclear that they ever had "it" to begin with. A laundry list of such types:

• Tara Reid. Apparent "JTS" Moment. Standing in front of a bazillion paparazzi, disfigured nipple ablaze for all the world to see. And, blaspheme, it was Diddy's birthday party too. Negating Factor (read: She was always crazy): Van. Wilder.
• Terrell Owens. Apparent "JTS" Moment: Crying (actually crying) on the CNBC about the meager-size of his multi-million dollar contract. Negating Factor (read: He was always crazy): He declared that he would play in the Superbowl despite a grisly ankle injury and all prudent medical advice because "God had already cleared him." Too bad God didn't care to clue Andy Reid, his coach, or any doctor - medical, witch, rug or otherwise - in on it.
• Latrell Sprewell. Apparent "JTS" Moment: lamenting to then entire national media, in complaining about his multi-million dollar contract, about how he would possibly be able to feed his family. Negating Factor (read: He was always crazy): And need it be mentioned that this is a man who was making multi-millions after having choked his boss.
• Ron Artest. Apparent "JTS" Moment: Yes, there was the brawl. That goes without saying. Negating Factor (read: He was always crazy): But even more ludicrous, the request 2 weeks into the season, to take a month off to promote his new rap album. I am not sure what is more ridiculous, asking for the time off or the fact that he had a rap album. Negating Factor 2 (read: He was always REALLY crazy): Or that, following the brawl to end all basket-brawls he appears on the Today show smiling and holding up his CD which was supposed to "drop" that day.
• Anna Nicole Smith. Apparent "JTS" Moment: Every awards show in 2004, where, without fail, she would appear, slurring up a storm (You say Trim-Spa, I say a fifth of vodka) and removing a great deal of clothing. Nothing says classy like MTV logos stenciled over your nipples. Negating Factor (read: She was always crazy): Marrying the old dude. The subsequent battle of the Will in court with his geriatric son. The Anna Nicole show. Her constant companion being a lawyer whose name is Howard K. Stern and whose most significant identifying characteristic is, apparently, being "lawyerly" (God help us all.).
• Courtney Love. Naah, this one is just too easy.
• Dave Chappelle. Now, I would like to note that he does not belong in this group because I do not think he was always lacking in marbles, or needing some meditation time in South Africa. But I mention him because he also does not fall into the "JTS" hypothetical group like Tom and Barry because Dave at least owns up to his frailties. He may be cuckoo for cocoa puffs, but he does what any celeb worth their salt does in that situation, he checks into an undisclosed facility to be treated for "exhaustion"

There must be more. But fatigue has got the better of me right now.