I will finish my random thoughts post from November 4th - because I think it is worthwhile and because I have a lot of random things to say. If I don't write them down, then I will forget them, and then the records of my randomness will be lost to the world forever. Oh, woe is everyone. Tragic. Well, not quite, but for the sake of memorializing things to amuse myself with my inanity at a later date, I should and will write it down, soon, when I have time, which will be, well, soon, I think, I hope, I delude myself.

Really, I think I could have time now, if only I weren't so tired. I don't remember what it is like not to feel tired. Basically I just live on a scale between "So utterly exhausted that blinking becomes a Herculean effort" and "I know I got six-hours of sleep last night, but I still have that 'my head is stuffed with cotton' and I drank too much cheap tequila after running a 10K" kind of feeling. Basically, I drag myself from place to place. I continually make lists of what I have to get done. I cross about a third of them off right away then spend the next few weeks/months putting the rest of them off. I am perpetually late for everything. The first thing I do in the morning and the last thing I do at night (sometimes, many times, these two events are not all that far apart) is that I make a mental list of what I have to do that day/the next day, I order it and reorder it in my head, allotting each activity an amount of time, trying to impose logic and efficiency on my schedule while still building in time for contingencies. Does it ever work? Nope. Never build in enough time for (1) stress, (2) several mini-mental breakdowns over the course of the day, (3) more stress, (4) the inability to get out of bed due to anxiety, exhaustion, sheer inertia, (5) additional stress, (6) guilt about having to rearrange said schedule and inevitably flaking on something, or more often, someone, (7) apologies for the aforementioned flaking, (8) more guilt and stress about said guilt, (8) frustration with self due to seeming inability to concentrate and hopeful contemplation of the possibility of adult-onset ADD, (9) additionally, contemplation of potential undiagnosed narcoleptic tendencies, (10) whining, complaining and lamenting to anyone who will listen about all of the above, (11) apologizing to anyone who had to listen to my unrelenting wailing about all of the above, (12) guilt about all of the above, and (13) oh yeah, more stress.

As you can probably tell, I don't have time to be writing this either. Yes, it is 3:30 on a gorgeous Saturday afternoon, but I don't have time. I am in my office, writing this, when I should be researching and drafting a memorandum. I have been researching and reading, but I still feel as though I have done nothing. It is 3:30 and I have been unable to write anything down due to overwhelming anxiety of not having written anything down yet. Flaked on 3 things, people, events yesterday. Gonna have to flake on at least one more person tonight due to my inability to get anything done in a timely manner. Slept for 8 hours last night, I think. Still feel like crap. Tired of feeling tired. Seriously, when does it end? "I need a vacation" no longer seems like it will cut it - I am moving on to "I need a sabbatical." Oy.

It has gotten so bad that I literally sit and imagine bad things happen to me (e.g. getting mugged, hit by car, falling and breaking an arm or leg) and think, "Well, at least that would be a legitimate excuse for not getting X, Y, or Z assignment done." That is not good.

Other people do their jobs without this happening to them. Other people do my job without this happening to them. Everyone I know works harder than me and this does not happen to them. What is wrong with me? Seriously? Why am I (1) unable to be efficient, and (2) seemingly unable to cope? Why does the sky always have to be falling?

So not cool.

I know, I know. Time to make the appointment. To deal with things, or rather, have things dealt with for me. People I have told of my contemplation of making said appointment with said doctor keep asking me if I have done it yet. Guess they wouldn't keep asking if they weren't concerned and if they didn't think it was a good idea. I am scared to do it. But I think I am scared to continue the way I am. Okay, that will be the first thing for the contemplated list of Monday morning - make the call....