I spend an inordinate amount of time complaining. The circumstances of my life hardly merit the profound and unending lamentations they seem to inspire. The complaints serve to pass the time and to obfuscate the real issues.

Two immediate things need to be done and I have, to this point in my adult life, avoided them: (1) I need to commit to my life - to making it what it could and should be, and (2) the only way to accomplish number one is to take a long hard look at myself and to do any number of things which scare me.

I have known I need to do these things for a long time, but I allow myself to be paralyzed by my fear, to be blinded by my emotions, and to become mired in an unending (and unwinnable) struggle for personal control. I need to accept that I cannot control everything, and that in fact, I control nothing, and that is as it should be. We all bob along in the sea of life, we can paddle a bit, but the force and frequency of the waves is beyond our mortal purview. I just can't seem to forgive myself for not being able to control the tides. I feel it to be a personal flaw of the most grievous nature. If I could get past that, perhaps I would not find myself so unacceptable as a human being. I am not evil. I generally try to leave the people, places and things in my life in a better condition that when I found them. Whether I succeed or not, my intentions, at least, are good. I am self centered, I am shallow. However, I aspire to more. So the only way to do anything and hope that any good comes out of the mass of flaws and shortcomings that is me is for me to leverage what little personal fortitude I have and to take some risks. I need to commit to the risks inherent in finding a career that truly fulfills me, a partner in life who finds me complete on my own yet makes me more than I am, and to making my little corner of the world a better place if only in small ways.

Absolute Truth:

(1) Finding a new job will not be easy. A pay cut will be involved. There will be no security in what I want to do. I am going to embark on a creative endeavor without any assurance that I can do it successfully. Is this wise? Is it well thought out? It is unclear. Is it the right thing? Probably. (When I can at least tentatively say "yes" then it is definitely time to go.) Sensibility demands that I stay put where I am. However, the longer I stay put, the more of what I actually do value about myself is sapped away. I must manage my stress better. However, even improved-management isn't likely to significantly ameliorate the situation at hand. I know what I have to do. I need to move forward. No one I know who has made a move forward in life (and landed themselves in a better place) has done so easily. They have all sacrificed. Risk is required for happiness.

(2) I complain about being alone. I run away from prospects of being with someone. At least anyone who might actually want to be with me. Anyone who does not want to be with me or who can't be with me (or ideally, both) I absolutely adore and love and hand my heart to without a second thought. Why? Am I a sucker for punishment? Likely. However, it is not just that. It is another excuse to complain. But, it is not just that either. Bottom line is I am not very good at dealing with my own feelings. I am not comfortable with them. The fact that I have them, the fact that I cannot control them, it drives me nuts. I feel guilty, apprehensive, nervous and terrified all at the same time when confronted with issues where I am emotionally invested and must react. The emotions and reactions I am most comfortable with - laughing and crying. The in-between, the talking things out, the understanding being upset, the getting-over it part of arguments, the having arguments and/or misunderstandings in the first place, the resolutions thereof, all of that is beyond my understanding - it does not even register on my emotional radar. I cannot conceptually register those things because I have never done them, I have never seen them practically applied. What does this mean? I am 26 years old and I have never had an adult relationship. I look for men who are similarly alienated from their feelings but who project an inherent sense of control. The idea of control of emotions is intoxicating to me. I find it such an aphrodesiac because I feel so out of control myself. My emotions are a mystery to me. I cannot control them. As such, I cry. All of the time. But I am not sure anyone can control their emotions, all you can do is acknowledge them, try to understand them and work through them. I am so stunted in this area though that any man I have met who is even remotely emotionally aware scares me. I write them off as weak, in order to avoid dealing with their prescience. I am afraid of an adult relationship where I would have to really engage emotionally. I am afraid of settling. I am afraid I am too much of a perfectionist to give a decent guy a chance. I want it all. Do I deserve it? Is it possible? What do I need to trade in exchange for a man willing to bear the brunt of the weight of my emotional baggage? In short, I am alone because I am afraid to be with someone.

(3) I need to be better to my friends. I have been selfish long enough. The period of adjustment and accommodation in my life has gone on too long. I need to be better to everyone around me. I need to give of myself and my time unselfishly and unthinkingly. There is no time like the present to begin showing one's appreciation for the important people in one's life. It is also time to give back to the world for all the blessings in my life. I am spoiled young adult. Time to start earning the good karma that has been thrown my way.